Absence and Self-Discovery

A recent essay about how missing people, things, places and pets can show us who we've become

I guess it's a stoic idea that's been running through my head. It's about gratitude in a sense. Absence can be clarifying. Sometimes missing someone, something or some place can reveal their importance. But that's just one level. I wish my hot tub still worked because it made me feel better. But it doesn't tell me much about my essence.

There are people and jobs and situations and pets we miss that tell us about ourselves. These absences can show us who and what we are and what we are not. Though their loss can be painful, I see the information gleaned as entirely necessary.

And when we are missing a few of these necessary ingredients at once it can be difficult to tease out which we needed more, which fed us, and what we became in their presence.

I was already a minor green thumb but landscaping helped me become a plant person. I could never not be that now.

Being a cat father showed me how much I love every animal but also how I need them on a core level. I must greet every animal, and talk to them, feed them and link with them. It's become what I am.

Certain people in our lives have championed or witnessed talents and interests that become cornerstones of who and what we are. They were like professors for us. When we graduate, we realize just how much they have sculpted us. In their absence, we may see how much more we are.

It's great to look around at Thanksgiving and show gratitude for everyone and everything that makes life better. But let's consider looking around to see who and what has made us us. Or showed us what we are. Or taught us about our blind spots. Or danced with our intellects. We may miss the dance but only because we now know that such an event is possible.

We may miss what we've built, only to realize we are a builder.

I didn't know I had something to say until someone told me how my words affected them.

We may be singular in many ways, but I believe our essence is discovered, honed, revealed, and potentiated by our homes, our friends, our jobs, our lovers, our pets, our families and sadly, our strife and loss.

I am thankful for all who have made me better, bigger and more developed than I was. And it wasn't always the good stuff either. But I guess I see another love language emerging. Seeing someone as they are and could be is a form of love. And not just words of affirmation, but noticing in the first place.